These Advice given by A Dad Which Saved Me when I became a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple words "You're not in a good place. You need some help. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a larger failure to communicate among men, who often hold onto harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It isn't a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to take a pause - going on a couple of days abroad, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the vocabulary of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their bond.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a family member, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include exercising, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the stability and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I think my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."