🔗 Share this article Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again. Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost. Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know. Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.